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とにかく、これを試した
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If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.

I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.

Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time

C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.

Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.

Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.

If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.

I am not young enough to know everything.

Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.

I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.

I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.

Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official...

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!

I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'

If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.

Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

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A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.

We are Dyslexia of Borg. Fusistance is retile. Your ass will be laminated.

We are Dyslexia of Borg. Fusistance is retile. Your ass will be laminated.

We are Dyslexia of Borg. Fusistance is retile. Your ass will be laminated.

We are Dyslexia of Borg. Fusistance is retile. Your ass will be laminated.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.

Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.

Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.

Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.

Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.

I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax.

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance

Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.

Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.

Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.

Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.

Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.

Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.

Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain

Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.

Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.

Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?

Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.

Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?

The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.

The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.

Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.

Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.

Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.

Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.

Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.

Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.

We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.

We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.

We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.

We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.

Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.

Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.

> > > Goodbye to all! Thanks for years of great fun and good > > > business! > > Suicide or MS C++? > Is there a difference? Suicide hurts only once...

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

Write a wise word and your name will live forever.

Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.

Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.

Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.

When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.

You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog

C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog

The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.

Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.

Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.

Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.

Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.

An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.

The cynics are right nine times out of ten.

A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me

If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.

If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me

I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.

The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.

The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.

Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.

Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.

Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.

If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.

Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes

Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes

Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.

Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.

A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.

He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.

Don't be so humble - you are not that great.

A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.

A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.

Don't be so humble - you are not that great.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.

It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time

A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.

A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.

A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.

A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?

People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.

People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.

People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.

Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official...

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.

Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.

> > > Goodbye to all! Thanks for years of great fun and good > > > business! > > Suicide or MS C++? > Is there a difference? Suicide hurts only once...

> > > Goodbye to all! Thanks for years of great fun and good > > > business! > > Suicide or MS C++? > Is there a difference? Suicide hurts only once...

The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.

An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.

Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.

It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.

The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.

Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time

Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.

There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.

If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.

If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.

I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.

Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.

Don't be so humble - you are not that great.

Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.

An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.

If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.

If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.

Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.

We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.

Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.

If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.

If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.

[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.

A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.

Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.

Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!

Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

Opportunities multiply as they are seized.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

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Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.

When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.

When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.

A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.

A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.

Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.

If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.

If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.

If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.

There is no sincerer love than the love of food.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.

It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.

Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.

Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.

Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.

Far too many development shops are run by fools who succeed despite their many failings.

If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.

What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.

Why don't you write books people can read?

Why don't you write books people can read?

I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.

Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.

A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.

A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.

Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.

If a man does his best, what else is there?

Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.

Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.

Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.

Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.

A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.

A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.

A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.

All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.

All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.

I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.

If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.

Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.

It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.

I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.

Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.

Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.

I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.

I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.

Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.

Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.

Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.

Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.

Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.

Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.

There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.

There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.

My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.

Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change

Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.

The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.

The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.

It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.

It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.

It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.

It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.

Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

It is better to be quotable than to be honest.

A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.

A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.

The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible.

If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.

When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.

We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.

We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.

Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.

I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.

Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.

If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.

Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.

Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

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Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.

Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.

Roses are #FF0000 Violets are #0000FF All my base are belong to you!

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.

Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.

Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.

The covers of this book are too far apart.

One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.

When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.

Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.

Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

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The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.

They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--

The cynics are right nine times out of ten.

The cynics are right nine times out of ten.

The cynics are right nine times out of ten.

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

If quantum physics doesn't confuse you then you don't understand it.

Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.

The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.

War doesn't make boys men, it makes men dead.

I am not young enough to know everything.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'

Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.

Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.

Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.

Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.

Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.

Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.

Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.

The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens

The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.

The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.

We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.

We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.

We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.

Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.

Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.

Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.

Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.

Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.

We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.

Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track

A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.

A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.

Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?

Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.

Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.

Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.

I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.

It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.

It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.

It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.

If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.

The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.

Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.

If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.

Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.

When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.

When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...

Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...

Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...

Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...

You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.

You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.

I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.

Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.

The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.

Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.

Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.

Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.

It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

War doesn't make boys men, it makes men dead.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.

You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.

Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.

Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.

Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.

For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.

Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.

The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.

He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.

Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.

There is no sincerer love than the love of food.

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.

It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.

I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.

In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me - and by that time no one was left to speak up.

The graveyards are full of indispensable men.

Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.

Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.

Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.

'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'

If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

The cynics are right nine times out of ten.

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

We are Dyslexia of Borg. Fusistance is retile. Your ass will be laminated.

We are Dyslexia of Borg. Fusistance is retile. Your ass will be laminated.

In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.

If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

Don't be so humble - you are not that great.

Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.

The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.

The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.

Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.

Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.

Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.

Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?

Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.

The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.

The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.